I have no clue how that happened - possibly NSFW because dangly parts are discussed

[missmiah]

Putting this behind a cut just in case someone is silly enough to be reading this on a work computer, even though it's mostly innocent. Ish?

One second I'm reading an SS/HG fic that describes Snape's ... dangly bit as ten inches and after snorting in a very scoffy sort of way--Causing my husband to ask what I was snorting about, and then look at me with horror when I told him, which is really his fault for asking in the first place when I'm reading fic, right?--I got curious about how big Snape's supposedly Large BUT Not Abnormally Large Tallywhacker was in comparison to that one porn star from the seventies with the big willy.

Now, for reasons that are actually perfectly innocent and having nothing to do with that one Terminator parody porno I once had the misfortune of watching with a room full of nerds in college (it was called the Penetrator and had really, really sad special effects and we were legit watching it for the comedy factor) I know how long Ron Jeremy's pecker is (Nine and a half inches, according to the horror/comedy One-Eyed Monster). Incidently, Ron Jeremy is a very intelligent man, albeit extremely hairy, and I once spent several hours listening to him debate pornography with Pastor Craig Gross.

I find it difficult to believe that Severus Snape has a longer schlong than Ron Jeremy, but Jeremy wasn't the porn star I was thinking of, so I thought I'd do more research.

Oddly enough, google searching "old school porn actor with large penis" was less than helpful.

So then Captain suggested searching for "world's largest human penis" (and in retrospect, I am EXTREMELY thankful that he thought to specify human on that one). Thirteen and a half inches, apparently.

So Not-So-Little Snape was humanly possible, but still unlikely, I thought.

However, by this point, I was on a mission to try to remember the name of that one porn star, so I continued my search.

At this point, I'm pretty sure I was getting real people confused with characters from Boogie Nights and possibly Long Duck Dong from Sixteen Candles. Then, it hit me!

John Holmes!

Sadly, wikipedia failed me as to how big Holmes' trouser snake was, as no official measurements were ever taken and John Holmes was apparently a giant liar and liked to exaggerate when discussing his money maker. However, general agreement is that his hooha was probably bigger than Ron Jeremy's. Which is more than anyone really wants to know about both of their bits at this point.

Anyway, after reading the entirety of John Holmes' wiki entry (dude had some issues), I went to look up his IMDB page because I don't even remember why at this point, and discovered that he was in a porno called Dracula Sucks, which IMDB tells me is an adult retelling of Stoker's Dracula, but, you know, with porns. Also, with a lot of humor, some of which is apparently intentional.

Now, even though I've had rather poor experiences with porno viewing (see aforementioned Penetrator) I really want to see this thing, just for shits and giggles..

And I still scoff at the idea of Snape having a ten inch dingaling. I don't care how giant his nose is.

Sorry.

Now, if Harry had spent six books discussing causally mentioning how big Snape's feet were...